Fear and Loathing in Bloomingdale's Menswear: Notes on What to Buy and Avoid

*Part One*

Just for you, dear readers, I took several hours out of my busy schedule last night to browse through the menswear department in Bloomingdale's midtown New York headquarters. I'm looking for things you can buy without breaking the bank, that you can wear to work or, alternatively, out for a classy night on the town, and not be ashamed to own two seasons for now. A tall order, as it turns out.

Why am I even in Bloomie's? In the fashion ecosystem, department stores are a necessary evil because they gather (ostensibly) the best and most popular (read: sellable) apparel from a variety of designers. Lumping it all together makes it easier for folks to shop.

OK. We're examining the mid-tier menswear department, so I'll leave out Canali, Zegna, Armani, and their friends for another time). Also, except where noted, I'm not including anything I found from the racks-o-suits.

Overall -- and as usual -- I was disappointed in the results. Nearly every designer still persists in hawking frightening, nearly impossible-to-look-good-in shirts in the most hideous of patterns. Yet, this season seems to mark a change -- possibly in reaction to those crazy patterns, to flashy suits, to frenetic mod styles (AKA "Ben Shermanization") and other similarly galling trends. That change? For better or worse, it's a move toward THE BLAND. More and more designers seem to be simultaneously retreating from adventurous (albeit, eye-assaulting) designs into vague, generally lackluster men's apparel.

My notes:

Michael Kors' Michael: The designer's low-end line looks just that -- low-end. Plain. Mediocre. Maybe you can find some basics here -- a basic-looking sweater, for instance. Reminds me of something you'd find in a store like K-Mart, except with better construction. Depending on the size of the Michael installation, it can be a good place to steal a quick nap before moving on.

Theory: You know I love this brand. One reason is that it sucks less these days than other guys. Some cool shirts, and a bunch of really great black sport jackets. Too bad most of them don't have matching pants, because I'd love suits in some of these designs. Overall, the suits are OK.

Hugo Boss: What shines here is the outerwear. Hugo Boss has some truly terrific sports jackets in a variety of fabrics and colors. They're great feeling, well-made, good-looking and easily matched. Casual dress shirts -- not so much. Still too many over-striped affairs, with the best looking bland and the worst being positively headache-inducing (a problem not limited to Hugo Boss, of course.) Hugo Boss does carry some good-looking suits -- nothing terribly adventurous, except for a pretty cool black corduroy suit.

Polo: Like other big brands, Polo nails outerwear. Like Boss, Polo has some great sports coat in a number of colors. You can also find, yes, polo shirts here, ad infinium.

Hilfiger: With (ahem) the H Hilfiger line, we've still got that strange, awesome "rock and roll meets prep school" vibe going on. Think bright, in-your-face colors on suits and button-down dress shirts.

Now, don't get me wrong: The clothes look utterly fantastic. On mannequins. Admittedly, they've got great tailored cuts, great patterns, and awesome rockstar color ensembles, but they're not meant to be worn by people who aren't working in the entertainment industry. Put another way, most folks aren't David Bowie, and shouldn't try dressing like him.

Stay tuned for Part Two.

Links: Frustratingly, Bloomingdales.com doesn't have a men's section. Try www.yoox.us and Bluefly.com for discount Theory and Hugo Boss.