File Under: How to Dress Like a Dork

What's one of the men's fashion world's longest-running jokes? Tommy Bahama, "Purveyor of Island Lifestyles."









BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I've always wondered whether this label was just started as a bet -- "$50 to whoever gets men to look the most idiotic!"

But why has it been around since 1992? Who keeps buying it?!?!? Why does it even continue to exist??!?! I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that the men's line is a loss-leader for the company, and it's only the women's wear that keeps them in business. But I know this is fantasy.

Make no mistake, friend. Wear a Tommy Bahama tropical print shirt and you WILL look like a dork. Think it's appropriate for "retire-wear?" Think again. If you are over 65 and wearing Tommy Bahama, you will only look like a retired dork. Tommy Bahama is appropriate only for a select few: Those of us actively bartending at tropical resorts. And then, only during work hours.

It took me ages to understand the reality: Tommy Bahama IS a joke. And if you wear it, the joke's on you.

The John Varvatos Man... Revealed!

Here's an interview with a shop clerk at John Varvatos, in which the all-important question is asked about "The John Varvatos Man:" Is he straight?

"A: We used to be more popular with gay men; that’s tailing off a little bit. Our average client is mid-thirties to early fifties, and he has a wife who wants him to look good."

The Varvatos-gay thing is really old, but it's probably worth mentioning even as a historical footnote. What's strange is that I'm surprised he found such a following, since I find his stuff really, uh, reserved. Like Joseph Abboud, only, a bit less edgy. (Ha!) I can't imagine being a gay man and trying to impress wearing Varvatos. But maybe that's just me. The clothes are well-designed and traditionally classy, if sort of unimaginative. I should ask my gay friends (gay, that is, and REALLY into being gay) whether the Varvatos line still has any special cachet there. But that would involve researching something, when ill-informed pontification is so much easier.

For me, the Varvatos Man is neither straight nor gay. Just boring.

I own a pair of Varvatos sandals, and that's about it. I think I might have a belt somewhere, too. You know my clothing preferences, but in the interest of completeness, let's take a look at the Varvatos Men's Fall/Winter 05 lineup.









Are you as bored as I am? I tried to pick out the most exciting styles here, but check out his other stuff, too -- maybe you'll find something that suits your style.